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Consultative cases from Cyberhus.dk

The objective of this page is to give present and future international collaborators an idea of what sort of issues children and young people address daily in Cyberhus and not least, how we as professionals meet our young people.

Cyberhus’ problem pages represents only one of many counselling options at Cyberhus. We are choosing to show activity from our problem pages since all questions and answers are already publicised with the acceptance of our young people. The questions shown are just a small sample of approximately 2,000 questions we receive from young people each year.

Please note, it is not possible to ask questions on this site as this page merely presents examples from Cyberhus’ online problem pages.

Teenage life

Asking for a date

Boy, 17. 18 March 2016

Question:

Hi all,

I have kind of a crush on one of my best friends but I don’t know how to tell her or ask if she has any feelings for me!

– I’d like to invite her on a “date” – like, indirectly saying that I’d want to be more than friends. -How do I tell her? – Do you have any good advice?

Lots of people have said that I should just tell her how I feel! – But I can’t!!!!

I really hope you can help me.

Thanks in advance.

Answer:

Hi there,

I fully understand that you’re nervous about telling your friend how you feel. It can be really difficult, particularly if you’re not sure whether it’s reciprocated. But I do hope that I can give you some advice that may help you invite your friend on a date 🙂

Personally, I don’t necessarily think that it’s a good move to lay out all the cards on the table at once, if she doesn’t at all expect it. However, I would say there are other subtler ways to proceed that may, more slowly but surely, give you a better idea of where she stands.

Typically, if a girl is friends with a guy, it’s difficult for her to see him as more than that, if he doesn’t manage to show her that he also has ‘qualifications’ to become a potential boyfriend. Something you could do is notice how other guys act around their girlfriends. You can tell right away (at social gatherings) whether two people are more than just friends – even though they may not tell the rest of the group. They flirt, joke around, keep longer eye contact with each other, sit and stand closer to each other and so on. Comparing this to a relationship with a friend, the behaviour is different – not that much flirting, and not more than normal eye- and body contact.

Then, try to compare it to your behaviour around your friend. It’s about starting to imitate some of the things that couples usually do, and slowly introduce them in your relationship with your friend. You can do this by, e.g., joking and flirting a bit more, touching her shoulder or her knee when laughing at her jokes – body contact in general is an important hint. Perhaps, stand a little closer to her when you’re out with friends, or look over at her if you see her from a distance, talking to others, and give her a smile when you have eye contact (which you’ve been admiring for a while).

Along the way, if she starts to change behaviour around you, and gives back, she very likely could be interested in you.

You probably cannot completely avoid disclosing your emotions eventually, be it a kiss or a confession. It may also take a while to change your role from being a friend to a potential boyfriend, and that’s also perfectly okay. There’s also no guarantee that this works for you – but I’d say that when you do tell her how you feel, she’d be expecting it. Besides, you’d likely feel safer as you’d have a better idea about how she feels about you 🙂

I wish you all the best of luck, and I hope the result will be a successful date!

My best,
Joni

Crush

Girl, 16. 4 March 2015

Question:

Hi :))
A week ago, me and this sweet guy started writing, he’s about 1½ years older than me. The crazy thing is, he’s my brother’s best friend’s younger brother, so I can’t really figure out if it’s too weird? He’s just so cute, and I think about him all the time…

He’s started calling me sweetie and he’s sending me kissing smileys, we often talk about how we could meet, e.g. listening to him playing music or watching a movie together. I really would like that a lot but the problem is, I don’t know if I can! At school I often get shy when I talk to boys, well not shy as such, I just don’t always know what to say, and then I feel kind of awkward, even though I really try to tell myself that I’m not..

So, if I’m going to spend time with him, I’m afraid that I’ll feel totally awkward, or not having anything to say, or not knowing what to do with myself. I’ve never been home alone with a boy before, so I don’t know what to do!? In a way, it would be such a shame if I didn’t meet him for the reason that I’m afraid, because we get along so well when we “talk”/write! It’s been so long since I’ve felt chemistry like this with a guy, but also it’s different when you write…

Another thing, if we did hook up, would it be too weird haha? My brother and his best friend are moving in together so let’s say it doesn’t work out, then I wouldn’t be able to really distance myself since I would probably meet his brother there at times.. haha..

What do you think?

Hugs from me 🙂

Answer:

Hi there,
It’s great that you’re communicating with a guy who is really nice. In addition, I’d like to commend you for your consideration trying to assess how “wrong” the situation may end up since you are interested in your brother’s best friend’s younger brother.

I understand your concerns but I certainly do not think that should hold you back because what if you indeed hit it off, and you may share more than a sweet SMS flirt? Of course, you should only meet with him if you want to. You may want to consider whether it’s worth the risk or whether you believe there are too many bad things about the situation.

Try to consider, what is the worst thing that can happen? You could slowly try getting to know each other as friends, and then see if your relationship develops from there. If the two of you decide not to see each other anymore, you might end up becoming good friends, and at least you will not ponder whether or not there was something there. You write that it would be a shame if you did not meet up with him due to the fact that you’re afraid. And you also feel a good chemistry with him. Because of this, I almost believe you would regret stopping your flirt here and now and leaving it as a text flirt. As you mention, texting, and talking in real life, is not the same thing. However, considering how well you get along when you text, I believe there’s a good chance that you may have chemistry in real life too.

I understand very well that you are nervous about meeting him in real life, and you mention you easily get shy at school and feel awkward. It is COMPLETELY normal to feel this way, a lot of people do. Although it may be hard to believe, it may help you to consider that others do not always realise how shy or awkward someone else feels. It often feels worse than what is perceived by others – maybe he’ll even find it kind of sweet that you are a bit shy. Many people your age have not spent time alone with a guy before, so it’s completely understandable that you’re nervous about the situation. My best advice would be that you be yourself and ask questions to let him know you are interested, and then just going with the flow.

If you are yourself, it’s easier for you, and it’s also the best way for a guy to get to know you. If you would like to be a little prepared, so you feel less nervous, you may want to think about some some topics beforehand that you may want to bring up, and then you can always ask about his interests and what he enjoys doing in his spare time. Knowing some of the same people could also be something for you to talk about.

I hope you can use my reply, and good luck!

Best regards,
Maria

I don’t feel good enough

Girl, 13. 15 November 2014

Question:

Hi Cyberhus!
These days I feel so down! I feel like I’m not good enough, and I spend all my time thinking that I’d like to be someone else in order to add up. I just think everybody else’s life is much cooler than mine. I really feel at an all-time low right now…

Hope you can help.

Answer:

Hi there!
I can understand it must be difficult constantly feeling less-than than everybody else. I think you’d be surprised by the number of young people who feel like that at times. It’s perfectly normal that you sometimes get the feeling that others have more fun, are doing better, and are more in control of things than yourself. However, you shouldn’t be feeling like that all the time. I think it’s really cool that you’ve written us and are telling us about your thoughts and feelings. This takes courage and it goes to show that you’re a really strong girl. So I have no doubts that you can, and will, feel better!

As mentioned, I believe a lot of people recognise the emotion of not feeling good enough, but you shouldn’t feel like that all the time. It’s really tough constantly feeling less worthy and less-than, and I completely understand that it brings you down. I can’t tell by your letter whether you have some good friends that you could talk to, or whether you could talk to your parents? In any case, I believe it would be a really good idea that you talk to someone about your thoughts and how you’re feeling. Thoughts and emotions are apt to grow infinitely great if you carry them by yourself, and I think you’d find relief in articulating yourself in words by talking about it. I know it doesn’t solve your problem but maybe they can offer you some good advice, and at least, listen to you.

In relation to what you’re writing about wanting to be somebody else in order to feel good enough, I believe it may sometimes seem as though others are doing totally great; they don’t have any problems or worries in life. Often, this is not the case at all. Some are just very good at pretending. I understand it’s difficult to believe that, especially when you’re having a hard time yourself and just want everything to be better, but I still think that if you remember everybody’s got issues with which they struggle, however big or small, it may help you. Not that you’re supposed to be happy that others, too, struggle with something, but it may provide you with a picture that it doesn’t necessarily get better if you could just become someone else.

Having said that, I completely follow your way of thinking. Being a different person, someone without problems and someone who is exactly how you’d like to be, can be a nice thought. But you are who you are, and that’s a good thing! You’ve got a lot of years to figure out who you are, including your strengths and weaknesses, and it takes time. But it’s worth it. When you realise who you are and how you respond to different situations and so on, I believe you will find it easier to exist because you will gain more confidence and become better at accepting yourself as you are. I know it’s a lot easier said than done, but I do hope you will think about it and consider giving it a chance.

If you need to talk to someone, and don’t feel like talking to someone face-to-face, you are always welcome in our chat at cyberhus. Here, you can speak to someone about how you feel, completely anonymously, with an adult counsellor.

Lastly, I’d like to remind you that all people are different! It doesn’t mean that someone is better than someone else. We all got our strengths and weaknesses and you can’t be good at everything. But you are definitely good enough!

I wish you all the best!

Best regards,
Astrid

Controlling my emotions

Girl, 14. 13 April 2016

Question:

Hey,

I’m actually a very calm person, and I don’t get agitated in school or other places. But at home, I’ve started to get really angry with my mom. When I get frustrated about something, I often get angry and take it out on my mom.

How can I deal with my anger? And counting to 10 doesn’t help.

Answer:

Dear you,

Thank you for your letter. I understand that you find it hard to control your anger when you’re at home, and then your mom takes the blow. It sounds as though it takes up a lot of your energy, and I’m glad that you’ve written.

First and foremost, I think you should know that it’s perfectly normal to experience emotions of anger in your age. You’re in your puberty, and your body is full of hormones. Hormones help your body develop, but at the same time, you’ll react differently than what you’re used to. You write that normally you’re quite calm, but now you’ve started to get frustrated at home. Partly, this can be explained by hormones floating through your body and affecting your mood, and partly you’re a certain age where you automatically start “rebelling” against your parents.

It may sound scary, but you should know that it is a normal part of your development in puberty. You are beginning to find out who you are as a person, independently from your mom. This also means that you’ll probably experience that your mom doesn’t understand you or your emotions, and there are things she will do or say that may irritate you or make you angry – this means that she’s done a good job prompting you into youth. Of course, it may still be uncomfortable for you and your mom, and luckily there are things you can do to help you react differently to your anger, even though the anger is not removed. You can’t control your emotions, but you can control how you react to your emotions.

You write that counting to 10 doesn’t help, and it rarely does. Sometimes though, it’s a good idea to count to 10 before reacting because then you may not react as fiercely as you would otherwise, but it’s not always enough to take away the anger. It’s a good idea to breathe deeply while counting, and then count sloooow. Even if you’re losing patience, then make yourself continue. Counting to 10 shouldn’t feel like counting 10 seconds, but it should almost feel like counting to 10 minutes.

You can leave the situation. When you get really angry with your mom, and you’re about to yell at her, then choose to leave. Go to your room or somewhere else where you can be alone. In order for your mom not to worry or follow you, perhaps it’s a good idea to let her know about this strategy. Choose a day where you’re in a good mood, and then sit down with your mom and tell her that you’d like to react differently when you get angry, but that it’s really difficult – so, you’re planning to leave the room when you get angry, and then return when you are more calm. Make your mom realise that she shouldn’t go get you or worry, and that you’ll make a decision to return when you’re more relaxed. Then, when you’re by yourself, try count to 10, and perhaps think about what made you so angry. The more aware you are about what has made you angry, the easier it is to control how you act when you get angry.

Share your anger. Sometimes, it helps to articulate your feelings. Next time you get really angry, then say out loud: “right now, I’m really angry about…. and I react by yelling real loud (if you do), or slamming doors (if you do).” It may help make the situation less tense, and maybe almost funny. It will probably feel quite strange the first couple of times, and then you may even start laughing – but then you’re not as angry anymore.

Unfortunately, it’s not possible for us humans to control our emotions. Our emotions will always be there – kind of like a radio that can never be turned off. However, we can control our actions, and then you get to decide when to turn up the volume on the radio, or how you’d like to turn it down.

I hope you can use my reply!

Love
Signe

Life online

Facebook posts

Girl, 13. 26 February 2016

Question:

Hi. Not too long ago, I posted a video on my friend’s timeline on her birthday. The video had images and the song Thinking out loud by Ed Sheeran. Of course I hadn’t considered that you need to get permission to post his song. But the post had only been online a couple of minutes until I got a message that the video was removed because it might belong to someone else. Well, then it mentioned that it was the song, fair enough. I delete my post right away.

But now I’m ‘afraid’ that something has happened by me posting the video? Could I end up having to pay some sort of fine? I know I may take this too far but I’ve seriously not been able to let go of the idea that something happened when I posted that video.

Answer:

Hi there,

Thank you for your question.

You can stay quite calm. When Facebook and Youtube provide options to share videos, then they also carry great responsibility. So, they scan their network and remove links to videos that their rightful copyright holders do not wish to share.

As a user, you are protected, and you have the right to make mistakes. You do not always know what is right or wrong when using major social media or Youtube. You did the right thing by deleting your post. Don’t worry about it anymore. Think of it as kind of a service from Facebook, where they merely inform you about why they had to remove the video.

Best regards,
Jonas

Meeting IRL

Girl, 13. 5 March 2014

Question:

Hi I don’t know about meeting someone you met online ….hoping for a quick reply

Answer:

Hi there,

I see that you’re 13 years old. When you’re a teenager it starts to get fun to meet “new” people online. And I actually quite get that.

The problem with real-life meetings arise from the fact that you cannot know if the person you’d want to meet is in fact the person that they claim to be.

An important rule of thumb is that you talk to your parents first. After that, you ask the other person to do the same. Next, you arrange to meet in a public place – a café, or some other place where there are other people. During your first meeting you bring an adult that you trust – and remember letting the other person know that you will bring an adult the first time you meet.

It may seem heavy going if you feel certain that the other person is perfectly ok. Remember, it’s for your own safety, and it is only the first time you bring an adult. Cyberspace can be a cool place to meet new friends – no problem with that – but remember the rule outlined above.

Have fun

Best regards,

Jonas

Bullying on Facebook

Girl, 15. 1 April 2016

Question:

Hi Cyberhus,

I’m writing because I feel so sad and lonely. I’ve been bullied since 3rd grade and have moved to a new school but the bullying continues. I’m constantly bullied on Facebook where people post really sarcastic comments to my photos because I know they don’t like me in real life. They may write: “You’re really hot.” I also have an ask where people write really nasty things, and I can’t see whether or not it’s my friends or someone I know because it’s anonymous. They may write: “What’s up ginger, shouldn’t you consider a new hair colour?” or “if I looked like you I would’ve killed myself a long time ago”. I can’t deal with these comments anymore and I pretty much feel like life isn’t worth living anymore. I haven’t told my parents because I don’t want them to make a big deal out of it at school. I can’t manage going to school, and more times than once, I’ve told my parent that I’ve had a stomach ache in order to get away but the bullying continues as soon as I just take a look at my phone. My mom is pretty temperamental and I’m afraid what she might do. My dad also works a lot and is rarely home. So I hope you can help me because I don’t know who else to turn to.

greetings from a very unhappy girl..

Answer:

Dear Unhappy girl,

Thank you for sharing your story. You are brave. It is really strong of you to tell me how you feel. First step is always letting someone know.

There are two things in your inquiry that each requires somewhat separate assistance:

1. You need to talk to someone about what is happening in your life and the difficulties that you face. Both in relation to bullying and loneliness; but also in relation to your parents. In this case, this particular problem page (Life online) is not the optimal choice. Mostly, I deal with technical issues. But I would 100% advise you to use our chat counselling where you just may find a lot of good advice to help you get back on your feet and feel better. You can find our opening hours on Cyberhus’ front page. I really do hope that you will stop by.

2. The other part of your inquiry concerns technical aspects regarding social media, and how you may change your settings on your profiles so that it will be harder for others to send you those types of messages. I would be very pleased to help you with this.

Today, Facebook is a tool which is an important part of our lives. We use it for all kinds of communication and planning in our lives. So, it is close to impossible to opt out. However, you should not have to put up with the fact the others negatively comment on your photos. Each time you find (or have found) that a particular person writes something negative, then add them to your “Restricted list” (see more information on this page: https://www.facebook.com/help/206571136073851). In the future, when you share a photo or a post with your friends, this particular person will not be able to see your post (and thus, comment on it). On Ask, you deselect the option of “allowing anonymous questions” in your settings. You should not participate in your own abuse. By using your settings on social media, you also let your followers know that you do not accept being insulted. Strangely, someone may think that you do not mind being insulted for the reason that you do not speak up. Of course, this is completely wrong. Tell them NO – and remember, nothing is wrong with you. The idiots who write condescending comments are the ones who have a problem. Go through your settings, and ruthlessly use your block function. You don’t do anything wrong by saying no to the ones who abuse you. On the contrary, you showcase strength.

Remember to share your story in our chat on Cyberhus. They can help you.

I wish you all my best,

Jonas

Faking it

Girl, 15. 23 January 2014

Question:

Hi.

I’m having this difficult problem that I’m a faker, unfortunately. I’m a now 15 year-old girl, and since I was 12 I’ve been faking that I’m a boy on several user profiles, and I really don’t want to do that anymore. A lot of people will say that I just delete my user, but I do care about the friendships that I’ve built with this user where I pretend that I’m a boy. But I feel so guilty, and I hate fooling my friends – and I’m also really scared of being found out.

I want out of this so bad, and I’ve tried facing the delete button lots of times, but I don’t know how to build up the courage to just delete myself.
I really need help..

Answer:

Dear girl, 15
Thank you for your question.

Communities on the Internet provide some obvious possibilities to try out different personalities.
Such as you have done, you can sign in with fake user accounts and pretend that you’re that person you invented. The game is fun because it allows you to step out of your “normal” life, and be someone else for a while – without great consequences for yourself. It’s fascinating and fun.

At the same time, it is also very dishonest to those you hang out with. Digital communities like Facebook puts down high demands that one really is the person that they are in the physical world. That’s a good idea. For one thing, no one wants to open themselves up to a fake person; and furthermore, you often “behave” much better, and have a greater sense of ethics when what you say and do online possibly have consequences in the real world.

There’s nothing wrong with having a good imagination, and playing with alternative personalities online. But it’s certainly not okay that the people you communicate with DO NOT know that. Challenge yourself and pretend that one of your online-friends suddenly tells you that their profile is fake. Would you feel cheated? You may want to share your situation with a person that you trust, and let that person help you hitting that delete button. That will be the right thing to do.

Best regards,

Jonas

Desire & sexuality

Got a girlfriend but…

Boy, 14. 12 April 2016

Question:

hi problem page

I have a nice girlfriend but I’m really turned on by boys and I also masturbate to male porn. I can’t find a boy who’s gay and I really want to have sex. Can you help me find somewhere to meet someone. My age and who is gay, and is it normal.

Answer:

Dear boy, 14.

I understand from your letter that you’ve got a nice girlfriend, but at the same time you’d would really like to have sex with a boy. It sounds like you think about it a lot, and I’m glad that you decided to write to us.

At your age, it’s very normal having the desire to explore your sexuality. You can do this by watching pornography or by talking to your peers about their experiences. Perhaps you and your girlfriend have also started talking about sex, and how you feel about it. You don’t mention how long you’ve been with your girlfriend, or how long you’ve been attracted to boys/men, but it sounds like it’s something you’ve been thinking about for quite some time? Also, you don’t mention whether or not you’re also attracted to your girlfriend. You ask if we could help you find a boy your age, and whether it’s normal to have feelings like this when you’re 14.

Firstly, I’d like you to know that a lot of homosexuals (someone attracted to the same gender, e.g. male to male, female to female) or bisexuals (someone who likes both genders, that is, both men and women) have experienced same-sex attraction from the time they were young, so yes, it is normal that you should have the thoughts and emotions that you find yourself having right now. But it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are either homosexual or bisexual because during teenage years, hormones run wild, and you start to discover your own sexuality. You try different things to find out what is good, and what’s not so good. You don’t mention whether or not you’re a virgin, but since you’re 14, I will assume you are – the average age for people’s first time is 16. You are still young, and I’d advise you to think about what it would mean to you to try having sex because it can be a very overwhelming experience.

Sometimes, you think you are ready, but then when it happens, it doesn’t feel right. So, it’s important that you notice within yourself when you actually feel ready, and when it’s the hormones (and desire) speaking.

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you about a place where you can meet a boy your age for sex. I don’t know of such a place. But try and visit http://lgbtungdom.dk/radgivning/ungdomstelefonen/

There, you can talk to someone who’s also experienced same-sex attraction, and who can give you some advice on what it means, and what you can do.

I hope you can use my reply!

Love,
Signe

No sex drive

Girl, 20. 20 April 2016

Question:

Hi!

I’m a 20-year-old girl, and I’ve completely lost my sex drive. I’ve been with my boyfriend for a year now, and we live together in a commune with two other guys. In the beginning, there were no problems with my sex drive because I thought the sex was good. None of us were virgins when we got together, so we were both experienced.

I’m afraid that I may not be turned on by my boyfriend anymore. I don’t have orgasms during sex, maybe because I find it hard to really let go. In one year, I’ve had one orgasm during sex. I almost cannot be bothered to reject him anymore, both because I feel guilty of saying no all the time, but also because it makes him seem kind of pathetic, in a way. It’s probably some sort of a turnoff for me that he pleads and begs all the time Sometimes, I don’t even want to kiss him because he gets horny. Of course, often I do let him have what he’d like, but it’s only to please him. I really like him, and he’s the nicest guy in the world, so I don’t think it’s because I don’t want him anymore.

I’m not completely sure what my questions is – maybe something like “What can I do to get my sex drive back?” and “Why does my sex drive disappear?”

Thanks in advance!

Answer:

Hi there,

I fully understand that you must be really confused and distraught that you are no longer turned on by your boyfriend. Sex is usually a big part of a relationship, and it also sounds like you’ve had a good sex life before, so it must be really frustrating for you that your boyfriend doesn’t turn you on anymore, or that your sex drive has disappeared. Know that you’re not the only one who finds yourself in a situation where you care very much for your boyfriend, but have lost your desire for that person. But even though you do not fancy him right now, it’s possible to work on it, for instance by discovering potential reasons as to why. So, I believe it’s only a good thing that you’ve started to reflect on the issue of why your sex drive has disappeared.

Although sex often plays a big part in a relationship, it’s also perfectly normal that after some time together, you don’t have quite the same sex drive as in the beginning. Usually, it’s really exciting in the beginning, you don’t know each other that well yet, and everything is new. But when you get to know each other, it’s normal that you don’t have sex, or have the desire to have sex, as often, because it’s not as new and exciting. You also write that you have sex with your boyfriend, only to please him, which may take its toll. And I also understand that you don’t feel like rejecting him, because you still care a lot for him.

There may be a lot of different reasons as to why people lose their desire to have sex with their partner. It may have something to do with physical attraction, things happening in someone’s life, the nature of someone’s relationship, and how someone feels about themselves. Body and mind are inseparable, so it would be completely natural that your desire, or whether or not you are turned on by your boyfriend, may be about other things than sex. Perhaps it’s something you can think about? For instance, how is your relationship working in other aspects? Are you busy in your everyday life? Are you turned on by other guys? And do you remember when you lost your sex drive? It doesn’t have to be a particular day, but perhaps a period in time – it may be a good idea to find out whether it was something that happened over time, or whether something in particular happened during that period. By asking yourself these types of questions, then you may find an explanation to your lacking sex drive.

Your lacking lacking sex drive may, as mentioned, also be about your boyfriend. You write that you haven’t had an orgasm with him for a year. From what you’re writing, one of the reasons you believe your sex life is not as good anymore, is because you don’t get an orgasm any longer. I wonder, has he given you orgasms before? It can be really difficult for guys to figure out what to do, and since girls are also different, he may not really know what to do to please you. If you want to fight for your sex life, I think the best you can do is help him. Basically, let him know what you like, and how. And then, try to help him the best you can – if he’s interested in learning, that is. It is very normal for girls in general not being able to have a vaginal orgasm, particularly during sex, so the “easiest” way is to go for a clitoral orgasm, and not expecting that it may happen during sex. Experts still discuss whether or not it’s possible at all to have a vaginal orgasm stimulated by a penis.

Another thing you can do is letting him know that you have a hard time finding your sex drive, and then the two of you can talk about it. I can imagine that your relationship suffers from the fact that you don’t have the same sex drive as your boyfriend, and he may also notice that you don’t take the same initiative as he does. Probably, feeling like begging doesn’t feel that great to him, and likewise I understand that you are turned off when he begs, but then unfortunately it becomes a downward spiral. Therefore, you may explore together what you can do for things to improve. It sounds like you have done a lot based on the wishes of your boyfriend, so maybe you should do something you would like, or try doing things on your terms – perhaps you need some time to rediscover your sex drive and really feel it instead of having sex when your boyfriend wants to have sex. Because he also becomes readily accessible for you all the time when you know that he is always ready, and maybe that also affects your desire for him.

You also write that you find it difficult to let go. I can’t help but wonder what it is that you find hard to let go of? Maybe that’s difficult to answer, but naturally this could be an essential factor in relation to your sex drive. Because if you cannot “unfold” completely when you have sex, I’d assume that you don’t get as much out of it as you could. So maybe you could consider why you find it difficult to let go, and how you may be able to let go.

I hope you can use my reply, and remember, you are always welcome to write us again, either on these problem pages or in our chat.

All my best,
Pernille

Could I be pregnant?

Girl, 16. 25 March 2015

Question:

Hi Cyberhus
the other day, I had sex with my boyfriend (using a condom), and as I’m putting on the condom, I notice that it’s turned inside out so when it’s half way down I reverse it and then we have intercourse. My question is, might I get pregnant by the pre-sperm that was on the condom which was then subsequently inside of me?

Answer:

Hi there,
you are asking a really sound question, and it’s a good thing that you’re seeking advice when you are nervous that you might be pregnant. It’s hard to say whether or not you have become pregnant by reversing the condom. Chances you might be pregnant are small indeed since sperm cannot survive in the air for very long. If a small amount of semen has leaked onto the condom and it has dried before you had intercourse, in theory you cannot get pregnant. But there is still a small risk you might be pregnant if there were remnants of surviving sperm on the condom.

Therefore, it may be a good idea to buy a morning-after pill at your pharmacy. Its effect is optimal within 24 hours, but it does still operate within 72 hours after intercourse. It is a very common mistake reversing the condom after intercourse and a lot of people have done that. I would recommend that you throw out the condom as a precaution, should it happen again.

I hope you can use my reply.

Best regards,
Linea

When it hurts

Loneliness

Boy 12. 22 March 2016

Question:

Hi I’m a 12-year-old boy and I’m in love with a couple of girls. What do I do. I’m very shy. I hope you can help me, I feel very lonely and I don’t have any friends.

Answer:

Hi. I’d like start by saying that it’s a good thing that you’ve written. It takes courage to ask for help, and far from everybody does that, so WELL DONE 🙂

You write that you’re in love with a couple of girls, and that you’re very shy. I’d like to say to you that it’s natural to be shy when you like someone, a lot of other boys your age experience this. However, there are things you can do to help yourself move out of your “bubble of shyness.” But before elaborating on this, maybe it would good for you if thought about whether or not you liked one of the girls better? It will be easier for you to take the first step when you only have to focus on one girl. Next, you could choose to write a message to her on facebook (if you’re friends on facebook). You could write something like, you think she is cute, and you’d like to know if she’d be interested in hanging out someday, doing something you think is fun, maybe go for walk, play ball, or something else. If she is in the same class as you, you could also ask her if she’d like to do something. I know it requires a lot of courage to do that, and the fear of rejection may be present, but I believe you can do it 🙂

You also say that you’re very lonely and don’t have any friends. I’m so sorry to hear that, but it’s such a good thing that you’re asking for help, this is often the first step. Which grade are you in, and do you talk just a bit to some of your classmates? Are there some of them with whom you’d like to become friends? It’s easily possible that more boys in your class also feel lonely, like you, including people you wouldn’t expect to, because loneliness is something a lot of people find really difficult to talk about. If there’s a classmate you speak to more than others, maybe you could find out whether he’d like to do something after school one day, perhaps playing computer games, ball, or something else. I also wonder if some of the boys in your class go to some kind of after school activity, perhaps sports or some other activity? For instance, if several of your classmates play soccer (and you don’t), maybe starting soccer would be an idea, that is if you like soccer, of course. This way, you’d have a greater chance of becoming friends.

I hope you can use my advice – and I do hope, and wish for you, that you have a nice future ahead of you 🙂

Love,
Elisabeth

I think too much

Girl, 14. 3 April 2016

Question:

Hi!

I’ve got this problem. I’m ‘over-thinking’ way too much. I think about everything, and my thoughts turn from joy to grief in a split second. I’ve probably always thought a lot but it wasn’t as ‘stressful.’ But now it’s really got the best of me. I think about what other people think of me, I think about what I could’ve done differently, I think about everything I do and say. It’s a huge problem and my thoughts just race through my mind, and I can’t stop them. I would just like to stop them. What can I do? And how do I become more ‘free’?

Answer:

Hi,

You are asking a very relevant question because you are far from the only one who worries about that others think of you, or what you do and say.

All sorts of expectations on being the perfect girl/boyfriend, friend, daughter and so on, along with society’s demands about being healthy, slim, and having a great life, are prevalent more than ever, and for most people the road toward perfection is created by thoughts about all that needs to be achieved, decided, remembered, and done. Being thoughtful and sensitive are fine qualities to have as a 14-year-old, and it’s great that you think before you do something, but excessive thinking may prevent you from enjoying, feeling, and experiencing life, and then it becomes a heavy load on you.

It’s not an easy task to control your thoughts, but there are some methods that may help you. A way to conquer overthinking, excessive thoughts, analysis, doubts, and worries, is by starting to become more aware of your excessive thinking, and it sounds like you are already becoming aware. For instance, when do your excessive thinking occur, and what subject matters do you think about? Do these thoughts occur when you’re alone, or when you’re spending time with other people? When you find a common thread, you can decide to say STOP each time you find yourself in a negative trail of thoughts. Stop and remind yourself that this is just a thought, and you’re not your thoughts, and your thoughts do not define reality. Ask yourself: “Is this thought beneficial to me?” If not, then think about which thought would benefit you. This will help you produce more supportive thoughts that may give you more energy and perseverance. This way, you can move yourself away from your negative thoughts, toward positive thoughts instead.

Also, practice being focused on the present moment. Most thoughts are often about something that may happen (future), or something that has happened (past). Instead, focus on what you’re doing right here, right now, and enjoy the moment.

Acknowledge your thoughts, and enjoy that you can choose your thoughts and reinforce beneficial thoughts and pay less attention to negative thoughts. Thoughts are natural, and it’s only when we over-think that it’s necessary to stop and pause. When you notice your thoughts start to race, it may be helpful for you to direct your attention to your breathing. Focus on doing some deep breaths, and inhale the air all down to your stomach. When you direct your focus to your breathing, you actually perform mindful meditation, that may help you gain control over your thoughts, so they don’t have a life completely of their own in your head. When your thoughts arise again, the exercise is to let go, and return your attention to your breathing.

Cognitive therapy is also a way to work with thoughts and self-esteem, and perhaps this could be very beneficial to you. Henrik Tingleff has authored this subject in Cognitive therapy: everyday methods volume 1 and 2.

Turn off!: a guide for women who think too much by Marianne Egense and Annlil Frolov, a book for women whose thought patterns are destroying their spontaneous joy in life, might also be something of interest.

Another idea would be that you speak to someone about all this. It might be your parents, a friend, or an adult that you trust. Maybe they could help you look into why you over-think and help you examine and process these issues.

I hope you can use my advice. You are more than welcome to write us again or visit our 1-1 chat here.

All my best,
Ida

Thoughts of suicide, overdose and more

Girl, 14. 23 September 2014

Question:

Hello
For more than 6 months, I’ve been free from cutting, thoughts of suicide and so forth, but now it’s coming back to me, and I don’t know what to do…
I think it started when my boyfriend mentioned that another girl was hot, but afterwards he wrote me that he loved me, it didn’t bother me that much at the time. But then last evening around 7, I asked my roomie, Cecilie (I’m attending a boarding school, she knows a lot about my past) if I could have 2 pain killers “because I had a headache.” I got them and then just before I was about to take them, I told myself, “Do it if you want to die”, I did it and wanted more pills but I couldn’t ask her again, so I searched the school for 2 more pills, and I did get some from someone named Louise.

But now I’m having a few more thoughts of suicide, and I’m thinking about asking my dad to bring me some pain killers..
I wonder how many pills you take before it’s an overdose?

Answer:

Dear you,
It sounds as if you’re having some harsh thoughts that are extremely difficult to manage and handle by yourself. So, it’s really brave of you to share them on this problem page, and it’s always a really good idea to articulate your thoughts so they don’t weigh you further down.

From what you’re writing, it sounds like you’ve had times in your life that have been really difficult to get through. But it also sounds like you’ve had a positive experience attending boarding school. When you think about your past, old thoughts may arise and fill your mind and body with emotions that may belong to something that happened earlier. It’s perfectly normal that this may cause unpleasant thoughts. Through life, and particular during teen years, your emotions may be strongly influenced in both positive and negative directions because hormones are racing through your body. If you are aware about this, it may help you to grab onto the positive things in life and let go of negative thoughts. An example could be to focus on the fact that your boyfriend loves you, and the wonderful feeling it is to be loved. Remember such things when you get these thoughts, you are an incredible human being who is loved.

You say that you got two pain killers by your roomie the other night, and then you had thoughts of suicide which I am really sad to hear. You’ve considered how many pills to take before it’s an overdose. My answer would be that you overdose as soon as you take more pills than advised on the package. You mention that you’ve thought about having your dad bring you some pills. Instead of such a solution, it may be a really good idea that your dad stop by your boarding school to talk to you, or maybe you could go home for the weekend. If you imagine yourself in a situation having the pills in your hand, it is very important to remember that by taking them you do not only say goodbye to the tough times and difficult things in life. You also say goodbye to all your nice memories in life, smiles, warmth, joy, and love, which I am sure are really significant to you. Even though the good times may appear small in life, they are out there somewhere, and they carry great strength.

I don’t know what your relationship with your dad is like but regardless, I believe it would be really good for you to talk to an adult about how you are doing. Perhaps you have a contact person or a teacher on your boarding school with whom you feel safe, and who would definitely like to learn more about how you feel. If you think it’s too difficult to tell your contact person or a teacher, you are more than welcome get in touch with us in Cyberhus’ chatroom. Two adults are ready to listen, and of course you are completely anonymous. When you feel like you do, it may help you if you open up and share your thoughts and emotions, although it may be difficult putting yourself in a vulnerable position. But it’s important to remember that you can get through to the other side, more strengthened than before.

Finally, I’d like to say, as mentioned earlier, that it is normal that things from your past will occupy your thoughts today. At the same time, remember that you did overcome a time in your life overshadowed by cutting and thoughts of suicide which means that you have the power. You used your strength to overcome these things for 6 months. This lets me know that you’re a strong girl who combats negative thoughts and emotions, and have done so before. I understand that you get nervous that those thoughts will occupy you more and more, but remind yourself that you have the power to make a difference. Do the things that make you happy, spend time with people on your boarding school with whom you enjoy spending time, and remember there’s always a new, and perhaps better, day tomorrow.

I truly hope that my reply is useful to you, and I wish you my very best.

Love,
Annika

Depression

Girl, 16. 31 March 2015

Question:

What to do if you believe that you have a moderate to severe depression?

I talked to my parents, and they are helping me the best they can.

Answer:

Hi there!

It’s so cool that you have written to us! It takes courage and energy telling someone how you feel and asking for help. I think it’s a really good thing that you’re talking to your parents and letting them know how you feel. Then they are aware, and they can help you the best they can.

You ask what to do if you suspect that you have a moderate to severe depression.

I think my best advice would be that you go see your doctor and bring your parents, too. It might be nice to have someone there with you who can listen and offer support. Your doctor is able to find out whether you are depressed, and he can also give you advice and guidance on what treatment to undergo. That way, you can inform yourself on whether you suffer from a depression, or whether it’s something else. Then you also have time to figure out what treatment you would be comfortable looking into in order to get better. You deserve it!

If you would like to speak to someone about how you feel, but you don’t want that someone to be your parents or friends, then Cyberhus has a really good 1-1 chat that allows you to talk anonymously with an adult counsellor about what is on your mind. You are very welcome in our chat. Sometimes it’s nice to talk to someone who doesn’t know you beforehand. You can find our chat here.

I hope you can use my reply!

Best regards,
Astrid

Factbox:

  • The Digital youth counselling on Cyberhus.dk has existed since 2004.
  • Cyberhus has got 9 different problem pages, 3 chat services, and close to 80 voluntary counsellors from the field of social work.
  • Cyberhus’ annual number of page references counts 1,2m from more than 400,000 Danish youth.
  • Approximately 15,000 of these young people have visited Cyberhus at least once for more than 10 minutes within the last year. This means that more than 40 dedicated young people visit Cyberhus on their own initiative each day.
  • Approximately 70% of young people seeking counselling are girls.
  • Approximately 40% of young people’s inquiries concern self-harm, thoughts of suicide, sexual assault, violence, eating disorders, or mental disorders.
  • Approximately 23% of inquiries deal with issues of bullying, loneliness, grief, and lack of self-esteem.
  • The municipality of Copenhagen has evaluated their use of Cyberhus, and it was estimated that between 7,000 and 11,000 young people from the municipality of Copenhagen have visited one or more pages on cyberhus.dk, which equals between 8-13% of all youth between the ages of 9-23 in this given municipality.

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